I know that I am still alive I am at the mona castle hotel
She takes my hand, hurrying me down the street. Beneath the streetlights moths are flying, and I catch glances of her in-between my exaggerated focus on them. ‘There is someplace wonderful that we’ve never been to before! I just know it.’ She whispers. And I am walking with her hand in hand. Moments later, as we turn down a side street, we come upon it. The Mona Castle Hotel looms into view. The sounds of the interior spill out as a side door is opened, and two men shakily exit the place. Warm light glances on the street, before being swept back by shadow as the door closes again. Through the glass, I can see inside. There is a man drinking. There is a woman drinking. There is a man and a woman eating. We enter the Mona Castle. The beer touches my lip coolly, draining down into my mouth. I am calm. The night flows on serenely, and I am crushing on her all ruddy in the face, and she tells me ‘You’ll never be lonely.’ And I tell her the same, and she’s crushing on me, I think, and they bring us steak frites, and we drink and drink, and we talk and talk until we are all done and just looking at each other now, and I’m so sleepy but I’m also warm, warmer than I’ve ever been, though my beer is cooling, and my thoughts are slowing now, and I don’t feel so afraid, and she tells me: ‘Don’t be afraid.’ And I say ditto, and she kisses me again, we are the last few left at the Mona Castle now, it’s getting late - but we steal our last seconds in this place, and she puts her head on my shoulder and she says ’I love you.’ And as we leave I just can’t believe how I’m feeling - god, am I crushing on her - but she’s taking my hand again and the night air is cold against my skin, she adjusts my scarf, she’s looking into my eyes and smiling, her teeth pearlescent in the moonlight, and I am lucid in the moonlight, though my head is spinning a little from all the beer, my face is no longer hot, I understand now that in my heart I am in love.
And so as the years passed, we often found ourselves at the Mona Castle. It turned out that she had this entire time lived mere blocks from that place. My nascent love caught alight of course, spreading rapidly over the forest of my heart. Of course we would go back there, always remembering, sometimes wishing for that night. But like a coil unspooling, though those subsequent nights were of the same material, with each return we found ourselves further away, spinning out in increasingly different directions - out, and into the night. With each successive night at the Mona Castle, we found ourselves chasing the dragon of that first evening; in beer and steak frites. But that pinprick hole in our collective heart seemed to grow ever larger.
I arrive first and order myself a pint of Carlton Draught at the bar. I take a seat while I wait for A.S.L. to arrive. I am already halfway through before she does, entering with a shy glance, before spotting me and making her way over. We kiss and she orders a glass of wine, I tap my Apple Pay on the card reader before she has a chance to locate her purse. ‘Today I read lots of interesting things online.’ She began. She was showing me an Instagram account that had lots of text on it. I was trying to read some of the posts that she was showing me but I kept getting distracted by notifications that were popping in at the top of the screen. It seemed to be a group chat, and it was named “MY WOMEN”, followed by a skull emoji. I grew confused and eventually looked away. ‘Are you ever going to be interested in important things?’ She looked at me bemusedly. I wasn’t sure what to say. ‘Maybe we should get a table.’ I said. Later, as our food arrived, she was telling me about school. ‘The class that I had today was so boring. And yet everyone else in the class seemed to think that it was relatable.’ She rolled her eyes. ‘I’m seriously so frustrated with the class at the moment.’ She looked across the room, lowering her voice: ‘Sometimes I honestly feel like I am a conservative.’ I picked at my parma, listening but hardly registering. I felt so depressed - I couldn’t explain why. Things felt different, like there was some sort of veneer painted over us, and I couldn’t quite scrape away to what was supposed to be underneath. ‘Are you listening at all?’ She asked. I drank more beer.
It felt like something was going wrong with my head. Suddenly her whole affect, the way she blinked and looked around, the way she would inflect upward at the end of too many sentences, the way she bluntly questioned me, it all took on an aggravating air. ‘I’m always listening, but I don’t know what you are talking about half the time.’ I spoke into my plate. I glanced up, having succeeded in shocking her. ‘There was a way that it used to be, I believe - but increasingly I think that way is long gone. Don’t you find this whole thing a little futile? We still come here on account of the ceremony, although it’s years since you’ve lived here, years since that night, and we still come here and eat, like it's going to bring it back. It’s fucking crazy.’ She was crying now, at what I had just said. I changed tack: ’Please don’t cry A.S.L. I don’t mean to make you upset. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I’m not even sure why you’re still with me. You are so much and I am nothing.’ She just looked at me with teary eyes. ‘Listen, I’m really sorry for what I just said. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me today. I suppose it's been tough for me of late. You know that.’ I realised quite suddenly that I was incredibly hungry. I began slicing pieces of my parma and shovelling them into my mouth. All the while, I was trying to calm her down, trying not to cause a scene at the Mona Castle. I said things like: ‘It’s okay.’ And ‘I was wrong.’ And ‘I was being horrible.’ And ‘I’m not sure what came over me just then.’ And ‘It’ll be okay I promise.’ All the while I was trying to sneak pieces of parma into my mouth, and I was saying these things in between mouthfuls. A.S.L was still crying a little, across the table from me. I put down my knife and fork and picked up my serviette to wipe my mouth. I put my hand on hers, which was resting on the table. It had a somewhat nullifying effect.
She looked me in the eyes again. ‘I can’t believe you would do this to me here. To what end? To embarrass me in public? This is supposed to be our special place. Or are you so devoid of sentimentality that you can’t even understand that? What is wrong with you J.K?’ She was livid now, her eyes burned into mine. ‘You’re so fucking repressed. It’s like you don’t say fucking anything for months, before it all comes out in a poorly worded diatribe against me in the most public setting you could think of. Did you plan this? Was this all just to ensure that I was in a position of weakness? You knew I would cry.’ She looked at me imploringly. After she finished speaking, I dared another piece of parma. I reached for it with the fork, but upon glancing down at my plate, I was overcome with an intense sense of vertigo. I seemed for a second to almost fall into my plate, then through it, through the plate, and onto the floor. My vision distorted violently - the lights on the ceiling of the Mona Castle bloomed into pure white, and my head whipped around in complete bewilderment. ‘I’m hallucinating.’ I mumbled. I think A.S.L was talking to me, I remember she was very angry, but I couldn’t understand any of the words. The music that was playing over the Sonos system filled my ears, it was the only thing I could hear.
But every time I try to get close, you’re like nope.
The lights dimmed again, and I was able to make out the beige paint of the wall, the television playing a football re-run, the general chatter of the bar. I looked around, reeling somewhat, as my faculty returned. I was still seated at the table. I became aware of a wet sensation all over my legs. I became afraid that I had pissed myself. ‘Have I pissed myself?’ I asked, to no one in particular. A.S.L. was no longer sitting across from me. I had spilled my beer all over myself. My parma, half-eaten - was now afloat in a plate of beer. I managed to navigate through the dining room, eventually finding myself outside the Mona Castle. The cool night air seemed to assuage my remaining confusion, and I was able to produce a cigarette from the pack in my back pocket. As I smoked I looked around; the street was all quiet but for two women being helped into an Uber. The wind blew cold against my soaked jeans. Just as I was looking for a place to put out my cigarette, she came around the corner. She was furious, I could tell, but she looked so beautiful in the streetlight. Her cheekbones poked out up high, her fringe slightly tousled by the wind, and even her brown eyes - though angry - were striking. ‘And I suppose that was the most conveniently timed hallucinatory experience ever?’ She spat. I tried to step forward to embrace her, but she stepped back. ‘Just leave me alone. I don’t even know what to say to you. Try it on someone else.’ She turned to walk away. I was trying to recover some vestige of an apology, but it wouldn’t come out. Then she was gone, and I was alone. My cigarette had burned down too far and it singed my forefinger. I dropped it on the ground with a start. Dejectedly, I again entered the Mona Castle. I ordered a pint of Guinness at the bar, sitting gingerly on one of the stools. As my Guinness settled, I attempted to mop up the beer on my jeans with serviettes. It was later now, only a few regulars remained. ‘Last one, okay?’ Said the bartender as she handed me my Guinness.
As I drank I thought to myself: I know that I am still alive. I am at the Mona Castle Hotel.
